Bubba Goes to Town.

While Bubba scratched his beard he silently wondered about his health. "Ya, know it has been a while since the Doc poked me. And Buckeye, my donkey has gotten really good care from Doc E." With that thought he threw a saddle on Buckeye and headed for the Doc's office. After a long climb up the mountain he finally made it there.

Sitting there in the Doctor's office, slowly related his family history. “Drink these two bottles of water for some tests later on.” The doctor wanted health history and what he got was the family history of the Do-Nuttin's. Barely surviving the story the Doctor showed Bubba the examination room with tears still in his eyes. "Take your clothes off and put that robe on with the opening to the back." Reluctantly Bubba slipped the bib overalls off followed by his boots. Halfway through Bubba scratched his head on the table edge, "Gee, maybe iffen the boots came off first it would be easier." Once that job was done he sat down on the table only to jump almost 2 feet high. Rubbing his naked butt from the cold table he fumed, “at least Bucky got hay to lie on.”

The Doc E showed up and proceeded to do a physical examination. The first problem came when the Doc used the “cute little hammer as Bubba called it” and promptly got one of bubba’s feet between the legs. “Whoa, Bubba exclaimed in a loud voice, Bucky can’t kick that good” as the doctor wallowed on the floor in pain. After what seemed an eternity, the Doc stood back up and asked Bubba to remove the robe and stand up. As usual Bubba got the sequence all wrong … removed the robe and then stood up … resulting in a headlong fall into the opposite wall as the robe cut him off at the knees. Bubba smiled as he stood up, knowing he would recover faster than the doctor though the hole in the wall would take a little longer to fix. As the doctor explained the exam of his testicles, Bubba backed up, “you aren’t one of them guys are you?” “No, by the way do they seem sore?” Bubba grinned, “Only iffen you squeeze them too hard!” The doctor proceeded following a loud pop from his orange rubber gloves and very carefully once he saw Bubba’s clenched fist hanging at his side.

After that was done, Doc asked Bubba to turn around and spread his legs as he leaned on the table. “Whoa, there!” “That is what I do to Bessie the cow to see iffen she has a calf! I know durn well I haven’t fooled around lately with any bull.” Doc smiled, “I know.” So then where are you going to stick that orange gloved hand with long fingers? Doc again smiled, where the sun don’t shine! Bubba thought a moment before he spoke. “Then you best get moving cuz the moon is on the other side of the world and that is not where I am at.” The doctor surprised him, “Don’t worry, it will pinch a bit and you will feel some pressure.” The pinch was there but Bubba responded … hey, you just pushed that durn finger into my eye.”

Next a nurse showed up to take some blood. “You like that purple hair on Halloween?” “No, I do this all the time. Purple is my favorite color.” All the while he tried to see if she had long teeth and was a vampire since she took 3 vials full.

With that done, the nurse, Miss NoGoodBody, showed up to take him to the lab. Put your pants on and then the robe and follow me. “Can I go to the bathroom, as he was dancing a bit?” “No, later!” Once dressed they headed for the sonogram room. As he followed her he noticed the names of the rooms, Mammo 1, Mammo 2, and Mammo 3. “Are you sure we aren’t in the wrong place because only Bessie has the teats on my farm?” She smiled, “Yes we are, all the other rooms are in use.” Bubba relaxed and entered the room. Bubba felt good since he had seen one of these machines on TV. “Are there commercials?” His question fell on deaf ears as word was already getting around about Bubba After lying down on the table, the nurse greased up the sonogram wand and about half of Bubba’s exposed body. “Lie still and take a big breath and hold it as she pushed the wand down to see his gall bladder.” Whoa, Nurse, you keep pushing down that hard down there and you will get mighty wet when the hose bursts!” She lightened up a bit but he still felt it and prayed she would go faster. The nurse slowly checked his gall bladder, kidneys, prostrate, lungs and heart. By now Bubba was wiggling his feet a lot, all the while wishing she would take the shortest road home instead of the scenic route. By the end of the exam he was definitely swollen and ached to go. After a quickie towel rub down to get the grease off, they headed for the lab to take a specimen which he so eagerly wanted to give.

Standing by the door, she gave him the instructions, “fill the bottles then you can vacate yourself completely. Call me when you are done.” Bubba walked in and just stood there. On the table was 50 little bottles, he counted them to be sure, “well, she said fill them.” He struggled a lot as he tried to fill those little bottles using something with the pressure of a 6” fire hose. Needless to say, some was spilled. About a half hour later the nurse knocked, “what in the Sam Hill are you doing, are you done yet?” Bubba nodded and told her to come in. She about fainted at the sight of 50 bottles. “I am sorry I ran out and had to spread it around for all the bottles to have the same amount. The nurse shook her head and asked him to follow her to the next room.

At this door she held three wooden sticks. “I need a stool sample placed in a small jar. One jar, she emphasized.” “Well that stool over there is a great sample of a milking stool and I don’t think I can use the Popsicle sticks to break it down to fit!” The nurse groaned. “Please, I need a sample of your #2” Bubba’s eyes lit up as now knew what he must do. For the next 15 minutes he sat there holding a small cup between his legs hoping when the time is right he could catch it. To his dismay, he had the runs and combined with the grease from a previous exam, he had no chance to catch it. “Gee, that little squirt was fast as lightening, maybe next time Bessie has a calf I can use some grease to help her get the calf out faster.” Using the Popsicle sticks he managed to scrape enough off his arms to fill a cup. Walking out the door, covered in crap holding 2 dirty Popsicle sticks and an overflowing cup with Bubba chewing on the third stick was more than the nurse could bear. She screamed and dared not look into the lab room to what disaster awaited her. After a quick shower even though the smell never really washes off, they proceeded to the next exam.

Next was the eye exam. The nurse explained what to do. “Read the smallest line you can see.” Bubba proudly beamed, “Lady Jockey 26” “what? She queried. Bubba quickly answered … “your underwear label, it was the smallest thing I saw!” She smiled … “No, the lines on that sight chart.” “Oh, and Bubba failed miserably with no letters read right. Can I do it my way?” The nurse nodded. Bubba quickly found a broom handle, stuck a tack into the end as a sight, backed down to the end of the hallway and sighted his makeshift gun and promptly read the smallest line. “Wow, 20/10” Bubba beamed, “gotta be a good squirrel hunter iffen I want to feed the family. Those critters are hard to get when they hide in the fork of a tree.”

With the last test done, Bubba went downstairs, gathered up Bucky and headed home to await his 6 month follow-up.