Reflections on a cold Night

One week later and not much has changed. A good day then a bad day. Paul continues to hang on while we try and cope each day. Routines are all but gone as he is now our focus.

Today I sat with a small tear in my eye as I watched a couple of young men play video poker and goof off. They have made no effort to get a job and create a meaningful life. Then I thought of Paul, a young man deprived of his chance to work, he paid his own way through motorcycle mechanic school and couldn't fathom not working everyday to support his family. His last actual conversation with a friend was about his new child affectionately called "peanut" after viewing his first sonogram. As I watched these other two I wanted to scream "it wasn't fair" but then reason caught up and I regained my balance and said a silent prayer for the two.

So much has changed this week. I didn't even holler at people this week when they cut me off as they tried to race to work or where ever. I actually felt sorry for them for the same thoughtlessness they showed is the same thing that has hurt my closest friend and his family. I can see that life here is so hectic as everyone bustles to find the key to getting ahead and getting one step up on their competitor. Kind of funny how several weeks ago the four of us were discussing how our lives seemed predictable and scheduled. We had certain things we did on certain days and if you saw one couple you knew the other was nearby. But now? Maybe we wished too hard or someone mistook what we said and changed it.

Roleplay right now is a faint glimmer in my mind. Not because of my partner or my few friends that remain but I feel guilty sitting there. I do apologize for my abscence but also ask for understanding. Channels have been empty because I chose not to be there and I have learned that no one can be the focus of the channel if it hopes to succeed. For everyone involved must carry an equal load and not expect one person too. But I am meandering from the real reason I wasn't there. Real life is my sand box.

When Lou (the two year old) is here all I want to do is play. I want to be there because life is so unpredictable and short. I don't want to miss a moment as I read some kids book on potty training and Lou pushes the sound effects buttons or put that 6 piece fire truck puzzle together for the millionth time just to hear the siren wail. Tonight I just laid there while he jumped on me, stacked plastic Easter eggs on me and then shot them off with the water gun. Was it fun? No, but we were together and he laughed and squealed, "pa paw more."

For Missy and Barry, to just sit there and talk as adults and hopefully part some tiny bit of my knowledge or hear some of their sage guidance.

I wonder where Jessi is and if she is ok. It has been a while since we heard anything and a hug would sure be nice. I could care less of the gothic dress, the piercings, or a myriad of other faults as I see them, I just want her to know I love her and hear her say " I love you Dad."

Perhaps Paul's legacy to me will be the wake up call that I am flittering my life away. Pointing out to me the frailty and shortness of life. Yes, at 53 those thoughts even cross my mind too. Showing me by his abscence that I too have been absent caused by the long hours I work. Some say "your out of balance", others say "your priorities are out of whack" and yet others say "live some." Perhaps they are right. What happens next I don't know but I know I am forever changed and just what changed will become evident in time. For Paul, all I can do is pray and be there for his parents and my wife. So it is time to cram the tears and emotions back into that box and stand up straight and strong for the others who will need a strong shoulder to lean on.

#2 called at 10:30 pm to tell us a bear was outside his dorm room window. I hope he didn't expect us to race 5.5 hours over there to scare it away. :)

My nephew should be home now from their honeymoon. I wonder how much of Disney World did they see. :)